As children, we all owned a Magic 8 Ball. One of those toys filled with what we thought were the answers to our future. This round plastic ball, filled with a dark blue, alcohol-based liquid containing a hollow, 20-sided die held the knowledge to all life’s questions printed on its faces. If only life was truly that simple. I can’t really write about how naive we were to believe in such a thing, because I don’t think anyone actually thought the ball predicted anything… it was just fun to shake. Now, if you want to discuss the legitimacy of those folded fortune teller squares, just ask my millionaire husband, father of 4, who I live with in our villa, that came standard with the hummer parked in the driveway.

I caught myself laughing today remembering my childhood aspirations. I wasn’t the type to answer the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?” with an occupation as the answer. I dreamt of working in the ‘corporate world’, doing what exactly, I had no idea. To be fair, I am not even sure I understood what the term corporate world even meant. I was going to have a career that brought me to live the ‘city life’; wearing pencil pleated skirts, pointed high heel shoes, a tailored shirt (lets be real, it was really just about the attire), walking the sidewalks of Boston like it was the runway in New York City..briefcase in hand. I was to be happily married in my early twenties, mother of three by 24 (two boys and one girl to be exact), and hold life by the balls.

At 36 years old I sit here, in bed, alone, typing my inner thoughts on a computer vs to an actual human, and yes, eating Salt and Vinegar chips that I will most certainly regret tomorrow. I do not have any biological children, I manage a small family restaurant, and can throw out my back with a sneeze never mind having the ability to strut anything down a runway, or sidewalk, whichever. I found myself thinking ‘my childhood self would be so disappointed to know that none of that came true‘.

All of this thinking brought on my question of the day: If you had the option to see your future, would you? If someone presented you with the opportunity to see your life 20 years from now, would you want to know what happens? I found myself realizing that the bigger question really is, would your life story be worth reading if you already knew the ending?

I have been struggling with the thoughts of my future lately; in almost every aspect. I constantly catch myself wondering more often than not, “I wish I knew if it will all be worth it in the end“. Today when the thought came to mind, the statement made me think: If I had my Magic 8 ball in my hands right now, what would it show as I asked? Now, anyone who actually knows my life knows that damn ball would read “don’t count on it”, “outlook not so good”, or even better, “ask again later” because thats just the irony of my life.

Undoubtably, knowing your future would change your life drastically, we can all agree on that. I guess my real question would be: Would knowing your future be worth not living your life? Inevitably, that is what would occur. You wouldn’t take that bus if you knew it was going to crash a mile down the road. You wouldn’t have taken that job if you knew the company would go under a year later. You wouldn’t have bought those over priced shoes if you knew you were going to loose one before wearing them a full night – the story lines are endless, you get where I am going here. The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that not knowing is what makes life worth living. Maybe that bus crashing caused a delay in your day that ended up saving your life later on. Maybe that company closing forced you to open your own successful business. Maybe loosing that shoe would bring you to meet your Prince Charming. Point being, seeing your future in one moment in time isn’t enough information to make any type of decision in your current life. It doesn’t show you the most important part; all of the living that happened to get there.

I was married. I am permanently scarred with the scarlet letter “D” on my body. I will never forget my dads words on my wedding day, as he walked me down the aisle: “the car is running, we can run, last chance”. Yes, he was joking, but I can’t say that the thought hasn’t popped into my mind what if I did run? I wonder if my past self saw my current self, would I have bolted for that door? Truth is, its possible, and if I did, I would have missed out on some of the most amazing years of my life. While the ending of my marriage was horrible and sad, for all parties involved, there were plenty of good days mixed in, and my divorce created the woman I am today. Minus my cynical, sarcastic, Salt and Vinegar eating self, I am so much stronger, physically and mentally, than I ever thought would be humanly possible. Although life doesn’t work out the way you envisioned it (99% of the time), I am discovering that the adventure of living may be exactly what makes it all worth it.

Life is more than just your ending, it is the experiences, the trials and errors. Life makes you. It builds you. With out your worst moments in life, you wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate the best ones. So love hard, live flawlessly, don’t take the adventure life has to give you for granted. Make mistakes. Fall on your face, get back up, and do it again. Laugh at yourself. Who cares where that wrinkly, raisin of a human is at anyways, focus on the only thing that you can tackle; today. All of those wrinkles tell a different story, you will know them all soon enough, don’t rush life.

Oh, but if a Magic 8 Ball comes rolling your way, shake it once for me, for old time sake.

-A