Tag Archives: strength

Magic 8 Ball

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As children, we all owned a Magic 8 Ball. One of those toys filled with what we thought were the answers to our future. This round plastic ball, filled with a dark blue, alcohol-based liquid containing a hollow, 20-sided die held the knowledge to all life’s questions printed on its faces. If only life was truly that simple. I can’t really write about how naive we were to believe in such a thing, because I don’t think anyone actually thought the ball predicted anything… it was just fun to shake. Now, if you want to discuss the legitimacy of those folded fortune teller squares, just ask my millionaire husband, father of 4, who I live with in our villa, that came standard with the hummer parked in the driveway.

I caught myself laughing today remembering my childhood aspirations. I wasn’t the type to answer the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?” with an occupation as the answer. I dreamt of working in the ‘corporate world’, doing what exactly, I had no idea. To be fair, I am not even sure I understood what the term corporate world even meant. I was going to have a career that brought me to live the ‘city life’; wearing pencil pleated skirts, pointed high heel shoes, a tailored shirt (lets be real, it was really just about the attire), walking the sidewalks of Boston like it was the runway in New York City..briefcase in hand. I was to be happily married in my early twenties, mother of three by 24 (two boys and one girl to be exact), and hold life by the balls.

At 36 years old I sit here, in bed, alone, typing my inner thoughts on a computer vs to an actual human, and yes, eating Salt and Vinegar chips that I will most certainly regret tomorrow. I do not have any biological children, I manage a small family restaurant, and can throw out my back with a sneeze never mind having the ability to strut anything down a runway, or sidewalk, whichever. I found myself thinking ‘my childhood self would be so disappointed to know that none of that came true‘.

All of this thinking brought on my question of the day: If you had the option to see your future, would you? If someone presented you with the opportunity to see your life 20 years from now, would you want to know what happens? I found myself realizing that the bigger question really is, would your life story be worth reading if you already knew the ending?

I have been struggling with the thoughts of my future lately; in almost every aspect. I constantly catch myself wondering more often than not, “I wish I knew if it will all be worth it in the end“. Today when the thought came to mind, the statement made me think: If I had my Magic 8 ball in my hands right now, what would it show as I asked? Now, anyone who actually knows my life knows that damn ball would read “don’t count on it”, “outlook not so good”, or even better, “ask again later” because thats just the irony of my life.

Undoubtably, knowing your future would change your life drastically, we can all agree on that. I guess my real question would be: Would knowing your future be worth not living your life? Inevitably, that is what would occur. You wouldn’t take that bus if you knew it was going to crash a mile down the road. You wouldn’t have taken that job if you knew the company would go under a year later. You wouldn’t have bought those over priced shoes if you knew you were going to loose one before wearing them a full night – the story lines are endless, you get where I am going here. The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that not knowing is what makes life worth living. Maybe that bus crashing caused a delay in your day that ended up saving your life later on. Maybe that company closing forced you to open your own successful business. Maybe loosing that shoe would bring you to meet your Prince Charming. Point being, seeing your future in one moment in time isn’t enough information to make any type of decision in your current life. It doesn’t show you the most important part; all of the living that happened to get there.

I was married. I am permanently scarred with the scarlet letter “D” on my body. I will never forget my dads words on my wedding day, as he walked me down the aisle: “the car is running, we can run, last chance”. Yes, he was joking, but I can’t say that the thought hasn’t popped into my mind what if I did run? I wonder if my past self saw my current self, would I have bolted for that door? Truth is, its possible, and if I did, I would have missed out on some of the most amazing years of my life. While the ending of my marriage was horrible and sad, for all parties involved, there were plenty of good days mixed in, and my divorce created the woman I am today. Minus my cynical, sarcastic, Salt and Vinegar eating self, I am so much stronger, physically and mentally, than I ever thought would be humanly possible. Although life doesn’t work out the way you envisioned it (99% of the time), I am discovering that the adventure of living may be exactly what makes it all worth it.

Life is more than just your ending, it is the experiences, the trials and errors. Life makes you. It builds you. With out your worst moments in life, you wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate the best ones. So love hard, live flawlessly, don’t take the adventure life has to give you for granted. Make mistakes. Fall on your face, get back up, and do it again. Laugh at yourself. Who cares where that wrinkly, raisin of a human is at anyways, focus on the only thing that you can tackle; today. All of those wrinkles tell a different story, you will know them all soon enough, don’t rush life.

Oh, but if a Magic 8 Ball comes rolling your way, shake it once for me, for old time sake.

-A

Cause for Light

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“Life is what you make it”, “when life throws you lemons, make lemonade”, “you and only you can change your life, if you don’t like it, change it”. How many times have we heard these expressions and want to scratch the living day lights out of the person who decided to be witty enough to say them to you? You smile, nod, all while your thinking to yourself “Oh, just be happy, just change my life, I didn’t think of that! Thank you for you insight.” Fact is – truth hurts. And although you may think these people don’t understand because they aren’t walking in your shoes, I am going to fill you in on a secret. They are Right.

It has been a pretty dark Winter, in multiple ways. If things are going to hit your life, affect your every movement and thought, it might as well happen in the cold depressing months we call Winter. Looking back I can laugh, because I made it through, but it seems to be one thing after another that can leave our lives upside down. So when do we break free? When do we finally throw our hands in the air and give up concentrating on the miserable, suffocating things that have been happening in your life, accept them and find the light?

I will be the first to admit that I am the biggest pessimist there is. I complain constantly. I am exhausted. I have worked multiple jobs (several at a time), and over the past six years I have said a specific job was the cause of my exhaustion and I have dropped it, moved to another, picked up insane hours, and done a repeat cycle to my self over and over again. Then there is the mental stress, the family problems, and the financial instability that can completely rock your world. Life can throw lemons alright, so lets start making some lemonade.

“We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning the future, trying to predict the future. As if figuring it out will somehow cushion the blow, but the future is always changing. The future is the whole of our deepest fears and our wildest hopes, but one thing is certain: When it finally reveals itself, the future is never the way we imagined it.” – Meredith Grey “Scars and Souvenirs” (3.18)

I understand the worry about the future. You have dreams, plans about exactly what you want and what it will be like, and unfortunately, it never happens that way. My mother was married at 21, had my sister at 22, myself at 23, my brother at 25 and my last sibling at 32 (a little surprise). She had an amazing career at a young age making beautiful wedding gowns. The story goes that on her wedding day she was an hour late because of the swarm of people around her limo that just wanted to see ‘the wedding dress maker’s wedding dress’. I wanted to be everything she was. Fall in love young, find the man of my dreams, have a career, have a family, and all young enough to be able to live the rest of my life however I want.

Of course that didn’t happen. I left my house at 17 to live with the love of my life. The first long term relationship and it ended due to the disgusting heart ache of substance abuse. I firmly believe to this day though that the break up is what made us both strong enough to move on in our lives and drove us to want more and to better ourselves (see the lemonade there? I’m trying). Then I escaped to another great guy, but again, didn’t work. For some odd reason that break up was even harder, but after a few weeks of crying and doing nothing but working (truly what I do best) I went out to drink my sorrows away and met the man of my dreams, my now husband.

My point to rambling on about my love life is to bring back around my point to my earlier statement. Every life “hiccup”  can be looked at two ways. I could say that I wasted seven years of my life dating the wrong men for me and ruining my plans of being a young successful mother, or I can look at it as if I didn’t go through the roller coaster of relationship disasters I never would have met my husband. AKA – lemonade.

So what is the key to releasing the stress of life? Always being optimistic and looking at the glass half full instead of half empty? Sure. But most life situations won’t be settled that way. So what is the key to the stress of life? One of my brothers taught me grounding. When you are freaking out IE: crying, stressing, ready to pull out your last follicles – you just stop, sit, use all of your senses… touch – your chair, the floor, your clothes, smell – the room, the air, hear – what are people talking about, who is around you.. and you continue this with all your senses and when you are done your heart rate is lowered and you’re done freaking out. I laughed when I first heard this, but then I tried it during one of my emotional melt downs and it actually did work, for that moment.

I honestly believe that the key to life’s stress is – none. There is no easy answer and everyone has their moments. Life’s key… the answer to all problems, its just all in how you deal with it. So while some people can sit in a chair and calm themselves, others prefer the follicle pulling method. Either way, you have to believe.. you have to remember… this very moment, the moment that is making your skin crawl and your fight or flight reaction screaming to run for the hills, tomorrow it will just be a memory, next week, you might not remember it, and next year it will be obsolete.

When to Say When

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“There’s something to be said about a glass half full, about knowing when to say when. I think it’s more of a floating line, a barometer of need. Of desire. It’s entirely up to the individual, and it depends what’s being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there’s no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless…all we want it more”

We are all human and when love is involved life gets messy. There is no better recipe for a disaster than thinking with your heart instead of your mind. People grow, every day, which means they change. They become more comfortable to show imperfections, more comfortable to say and do whatever touches their lips, completely bypassing the brain before hand.

My question today is, when is love enough, or is love ever really enough? Enough to stay, to keep on trying, all while knowing you’ll feel each potential hole struck along the way. At what point do you give up? Do you raise that white flag, throw in the towel and say “I gave it all I had, and it just didn’t work.” How do you make your heart stop loving, knowing that the pain of walking away will be unbearable and doing so will be hardest decision of your life?

“There is always a way when things look like there’s no way. There’s a way to do the impossible, to survive the in survivable. There’s always a way. So if I can offer one piece of advice.. Today if you become frightened instead become inspired.”

Life is an amazing thing. Some people don’t have the ability to live it, others take advantage of their ability. We only get one chance at this journey. One chance to look back on life, smile, and say that we had an amazing run, no regrets. I believe everyone has it in them to make the right decision, some just have to dig deeper to find it. A great man once told me “If you can put your head to your pillow at night and sleep, then you are doing something right in your life.” So what is making you not be able to sleep at night, and how do you fix it? You know the answer, and its never easy, but you were built with the strength, and its time to use it, its time to start living.