Tag Archives: love

Magic 8 Ball

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As children, we all owned a Magic 8 Ball. One of those toys filled with what we thought were the answers to our future. This round plastic ball, filled with a dark blue, alcohol-based liquid containing a hollow, 20-sided die held the knowledge to all life’s questions printed on its faces. If only life was truly that simple. I can’t really write about how naive we were to believe in such a thing, because I don’t think anyone actually thought the ball predicted anything… it was just fun to shake. Now, if you want to discuss the legitimacy of those folded fortune teller squares, just ask my millionaire husband, father of 4, who I live with in our villa, that came standard with the hummer parked in the driveway.

I caught myself laughing today remembering my childhood aspirations. I wasn’t the type to answer the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?” with an occupation as the answer. I dreamt of working in the ‘corporate world’, doing what exactly, I had no idea. To be fair, I am not even sure I understood what the term corporate world even meant. I was going to have a career that brought me to live the ‘city life’; wearing pencil pleated skirts, pointed high heel shoes, a tailored shirt (lets be real, it was really just about the attire), walking the sidewalks of Boston like it was the runway in New York City..briefcase in hand. I was to be happily married in my early twenties, mother of three by 24 (two boys and one girl to be exact), and hold life by the balls.

At 36 years old I sit here, in bed, alone, typing my inner thoughts on a computer vs to an actual human, and yes, eating Salt and Vinegar chips that I will most certainly regret tomorrow. I do not have any biological children, I manage a small family restaurant, and can throw out my back with a sneeze never mind having the ability to strut anything down a runway, or sidewalk, whichever. I found myself thinking ‘my childhood self would be so disappointed to know that none of that came true‘.

All of this thinking brought on my question of the day: If you had the option to see your future, would you? If someone presented you with the opportunity to see your life 20 years from now, would you want to know what happens? I found myself realizing that the bigger question really is, would your life story be worth reading if you already knew the ending?

I have been struggling with the thoughts of my future lately; in almost every aspect. I constantly catch myself wondering more often than not, “I wish I knew if it will all be worth it in the end“. Today when the thought came to mind, the statement made me think: If I had my Magic 8 ball in my hands right now, what would it show as I asked? Now, anyone who actually knows my life knows that damn ball would read “don’t count on it”, “outlook not so good”, or even better, “ask again later” because thats just the irony of my life.

Undoubtably, knowing your future would change your life drastically, we can all agree on that. I guess my real question would be: Would knowing your future be worth not living your life? Inevitably, that is what would occur. You wouldn’t take that bus if you knew it was going to crash a mile down the road. You wouldn’t have taken that job if you knew the company would go under a year later. You wouldn’t have bought those over priced shoes if you knew you were going to loose one before wearing them a full night – the story lines are endless, you get where I am going here. The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that not knowing is what makes life worth living. Maybe that bus crashing caused a delay in your day that ended up saving your life later on. Maybe that company closing forced you to open your own successful business. Maybe loosing that shoe would bring you to meet your Prince Charming. Point being, seeing your future in one moment in time isn’t enough information to make any type of decision in your current life. It doesn’t show you the most important part; all of the living that happened to get there.

I was married. I am permanently scarred with the scarlet letter “D” on my body. I will never forget my dads words on my wedding day, as he walked me down the aisle: “the car is running, we can run, last chance”. Yes, he was joking, but I can’t say that the thought hasn’t popped into my mind what if I did run? I wonder if my past self saw my current self, would I have bolted for that door? Truth is, its possible, and if I did, I would have missed out on some of the most amazing years of my life. While the ending of my marriage was horrible and sad, for all parties involved, there were plenty of good days mixed in, and my divorce created the woman I am today. Minus my cynical, sarcastic, Salt and Vinegar eating self, I am so much stronger, physically and mentally, than I ever thought would be humanly possible. Although life doesn’t work out the way you envisioned it (99% of the time), I am discovering that the adventure of living may be exactly what makes it all worth it.

Life is more than just your ending, it is the experiences, the trials and errors. Life makes you. It builds you. With out your worst moments in life, you wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate the best ones. So love hard, live flawlessly, don’t take the adventure life has to give you for granted. Make mistakes. Fall on your face, get back up, and do it again. Laugh at yourself. Who cares where that wrinkly, raisin of a human is at anyways, focus on the only thing that you can tackle; today. All of those wrinkles tell a different story, you will know them all soon enough, don’t rush life.

Oh, but if a Magic 8 Ball comes rolling your way, shake it once for me, for old time sake.

-A

Hope

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“The princess locked herself away in the highest tower, hoping a knight in shining armor would come to her rescue. – I didn’t realize I could be my own knight.”

Amanda Lovelace

Little girls dream of their knight and shining armor riding a white horse, galloping towards you in a meadow of flowers, scooping you up, and carrying you off into endless bliss. If I could go back in time and tell my young self how incredibly ridiculous that even sounds… I wouldn’t. Being able to dream like that made me the loving, heartless romantic that I am; even if every relationship I’ve been in has failed. I used to be told that the things I wanted out of a relationship was nothing but a Lifetime movie special. As much as I cringed every time that was said to me, reality has struck; life isn’t always grand, relationships are hard, and marriage doesn’t always mean “to death do us part.” I guess I should have caught on when most of those Lifetime movies ended in cheating and murder.

I have been thinking a lot about the day that I walked down the aisle. 4 years, 11 months and 8 days ago. I had spent an entire year of working 100+ hour weeks, two jobs, for that one moment. I was beyond exhausted, but I couldn’t have been happier than I was on that day. If someone had told me that in less then five years I would be sitting in my one bedroom apartment at 5:00 AM counting down the minutes to the worst Zoom call of my life, I never would have believed them. I never thought that today would come, not in my wildest dreams.

Everyone has dreams and aspirations, goals, desires. I knew exactly what I wanted from a very young age. I needed to be a mother, and it was as simple as that. Raised Italian in every sense of the word – big family dinners, always with cousins and at family gatherings. I pictured myself married young, with 3 children before I turned 25 years old; 2 boys and 1 girl to be exact. I was going to work in the city, wear pencil pleated skirts with stiletto heels daily, manage a corporate company and come home to my loving family each and every night. Not a single one of those dreams became a reality for me. At 32 years old I have not lived farther than 10 miles from my childhood home, I have no children (unless you count the 30 pound fur ball still currently curled up in my bed), I have slaved – I mean, managed, my family business for 13 years and today.. well today I am getting divorced.

It is hard for me to put into words how I am actually feeling. In the past few months, the rollercoaster of emotions that I have experienced has been almost debilitating. One minute I would be at peace with the path that has unfolded, and another I find myself elbow deep in a bag of family size potato chips, hysterically crying about being 32 years old and having to start my life over. I have continually asked myself “what if” and prayed to god that I didn’t make the biggest mistake of my life by walking away from my marraige. I have doubted myself, hated myself, and punished myself so much in the past year that I don’t recognize the person I see in the mirror anymore. But today, today is the day I hopefully get some type of peace from my constantly racing mind and aching heart. Today I will sit in front of my laptop, staring at the man I thought I would die next to, as a judge declares us – not husband and wife.

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings…”

– Lao Tzu

They say when one door closes, another opens; if one thing you do fails, you will soon have the opportunity to try to succeed at something else. I have to whole heartedly believe this and tell myself that this isn’t the end, this is merely the beginning. Maybe I didn’t get my 3 children, successful corporate city career, or white picket fence that I always thought I would. Maybe that dream just was never meant to be a reality, maybe I was meant for something more. Maybe this heartache was meant for me, as a cruel horrible lesson of some kind. Maybe I was made to live it, endure the pain, and become 10x stronger from it. I have never been a spiritual type, although my grandmother is the most religious person I know, I have doubts. On days like today though I find myself praying to something, praying that this nightmare finally comes to an end and that I will be able to breathe again. The pain of loosing my family will never go away, and I know that, I would never expect It to. But after today, one door will close, and i’ll be walking towards the next open one.

When to Say When

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“There’s something to be said about a glass half full, about knowing when to say when. I think it’s more of a floating line, a barometer of need. Of desire. It’s entirely up to the individual, and it depends what’s being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there’s no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless…all we want it more”

We are all human and when love is involved life gets messy. There is no better recipe for a disaster than thinking with your heart instead of your mind. People grow, every day, which means they change. They become more comfortable to show imperfections, more comfortable to say and do whatever touches their lips, completely bypassing the brain before hand.

My question today is, when is love enough, or is love ever really enough? Enough to stay, to keep on trying, all while knowing you’ll feel each potential hole struck along the way. At what point do you give up? Do you raise that white flag, throw in the towel and say “I gave it all I had, and it just didn’t work.” How do you make your heart stop loving, knowing that the pain of walking away will be unbearable and doing so will be hardest decision of your life?

“There is always a way when things look like there’s no way. There’s a way to do the impossible, to survive the in survivable. There’s always a way. So if I can offer one piece of advice.. Today if you become frightened instead become inspired.”

Life is an amazing thing. Some people don’t have the ability to live it, others take advantage of their ability. We only get one chance at this journey. One chance to look back on life, smile, and say that we had an amazing run, no regrets. I believe everyone has it in them to make the right decision, some just have to dig deeper to find it. A great man once told me “If you can put your head to your pillow at night and sleep, then you are doing something right in your life.” So what is making you not be able to sleep at night, and how do you fix it? You know the answer, and its never easy, but you were built with the strength, and its time to use it, its time to start living.

 

Need for Love

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I don’t know why but even after three years of being with my significant other, I still have the need to be held, to be told that he loves me (constantly), to have my hair played with, or even just that look – the look of happiness, the little glow in the corner of the eye. The feeling of knowing that you are loved and cared about is one of the most amazing feelings I have ever been able to feel. So why when I know this, when we as women know that our significant other loves us, do we need to be constantly reminded? Why is it so much easier for women to say how they feel on a daily basis and men are like locked diaries? Why when we dress up do we need to be told that we look good, even if its just once in a while? Why when we dress in bummy cloths can’t we still feel beautiful and not have the constant need to impress the other person.

I know that there are many women out there who will preach that they are completely comfortable with how they look and what they wear and that no man’s opinion will affect their perception. Personally, I think its a load of crap. Eventually believing in yourself gets old and the need to hear it from that one person that you believe is your world will be important. Just last night I needed to wash my hair and I knew I wasn’t going to do my hair or make up until the morning, I felt so uncomfortable and embarrassed it was ridiculous. I put on tight yoga pants and a belly shirt praying that the fact that my hair was a disaster, my skin was pale and my face certainly wasn’t put on wouldn’t make him look at me in disgust.

I once had this boyfriend who was slightly intoxicated one night. We had been going back and forth about not being intimate and I told him how I felt that he didn’t want to touch me anymore because he didn’t feel attracted to me. I waitress at night, I know I smell like fish and restaurant in general, so I took a shower after work. He came into the bathroom lightly held my chin and brought my face to look in the mirror. The words he said ill never forget – to look in the mirror and how could I wonder why he isn’t attracted to that. It was one of the worst nights of my life, and now every time I look at myself fresh out of the shower or before I go to bed I look at myself in disgust. If a relationship was based off a looks I would never be loved. Self confidence is obviously the key here. So how do we get it? How do we build ourselves up, not to have an ego, but to have the perfect amount of confidence and self-esteem not to hate ourselves every time we look in the mirror not dressed like we have to impress the world? How do we become happy with ourselves so that others can be happy with us as well? Because as we all know, we can’t expect love from others when we don’t first love ourselves, right?

Ever Changing Love

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“They say that Love is a timeless energy, it never dies it just changes form” –  Eric B and Rakim

Love is the most important four letter word in any relationship. It describes the most powerful feeling there is that a person can possibly feel for another human being. When said it should come from this deep place within your body, warms every part of you as it comes from your lips, creates butterflies jumping around in your stomach and makes you complete. Some people say that love is ever lasting. It won’t die as long as you really and truly do love – understand the meaning and believe it every day. But is it enough? Is loving someone with everything you can possible give always enough to make the relationship last?

Everyone laughs at the marriage jokes, how the sex stops as soon as you say “I do” – and everything else that comes along with enjoying each other that way. The most popular joke I hear about marriage is how women always think of the two rings in marriage – an engagement ring and a wedding ring. Men on the other hand think of the engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. Why is it such a common understanding that marriage changes everything in a relationship? Shouldn’t it make things stronger, happier, easier?…. Maybe I am just old fashion, a hopeless romantic that believes when you say “I do” and “I love you” you really mean it – in every aspect of the two words.

On the other hand maybe its a misconception of the comfort aspect. Maybe once you are comfortable in a relationship you don’t need sex every night or every weekend. Not that the love and passion should ever be forgotten, but maybe it needs more effort than just jumping on one another because there is so much more to life and happiness. Maybe the random ” I love you’s” throughout the day, the hidden notes that put a smile on each others face, maybe its the small things that are still needed so that people don’t forget what marriage and love is really about.