Tag Archives: future

Hope

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“The princess locked herself away in the highest tower, hoping a knight in shining armor would come to her rescue. – I didn’t realize I could be my own knight.”

Amanda Lovelace

Little girls dream of their knight and shining armor riding a white horse, galloping towards you in a meadow of flowers, scooping you up, and carrying you off into endless bliss. If I could go back in time and tell my young self how incredibly ridiculous that even sounds… I wouldn’t. Being able to dream like that made me the loving, heartless romantic that I am; even if every relationship I’ve been in has failed. I used to be told that the things I wanted out of a relationship was nothing but a Lifetime movie special. As much as I cringed every time that was said to me, reality has struck; life isn’t always grand, relationships are hard, and marriage doesn’t always mean “to death do us part.” I guess I should have caught on when most of those Lifetime movies ended in cheating and murder.

I have been thinking a lot about the day that I walked down the aisle. 4 years, 11 months and 8 days ago. I had spent an entire year of working 100+ hour weeks, two jobs, for that one moment. I was beyond exhausted, but I couldn’t have been happier than I was on that day. If someone had told me that in less then five years I would be sitting in my one bedroom apartment at 5:00 AM counting down the minutes to the worst Zoom call of my life, I never would have believed them. I never thought that today would come, not in my wildest dreams.

Everyone has dreams and aspirations, goals, desires. I knew exactly what I wanted from a very young age. I needed to be a mother, and it was as simple as that. Raised Italian in every sense of the word – big family dinners, always with cousins and at family gatherings. I pictured myself married young, with 3 children before I turned 25 years old; 2 boys and 1 girl to be exact. I was going to work in the city, wear pencil pleated skirts with stiletto heels daily, manage a corporate company and come home to my loving family each and every night. Not a single one of those dreams became a reality for me. At 32 years old I have not lived farther than 10 miles from my childhood home, I have no children (unless you count the 30 pound fur ball still currently curled up in my bed), I have slaved – I mean, managed, my family business for 13 years and today.. well today I am getting divorced.

It is hard for me to put into words how I am actually feeling. In the past few months, the rollercoaster of emotions that I have experienced has been almost debilitating. One minute I would be at peace with the path that has unfolded, and another I find myself elbow deep in a bag of family size potato chips, hysterically crying about being 32 years old and having to start my life over. I have continually asked myself “what if” and prayed to god that I didn’t make the biggest mistake of my life by walking away from my marraige. I have doubted myself, hated myself, and punished myself so much in the past year that I don’t recognize the person I see in the mirror anymore. But today, today is the day I hopefully get some type of peace from my constantly racing mind and aching heart. Today I will sit in front of my laptop, staring at the man I thought I would die next to, as a judge declares us – not husband and wife.

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings…”

– Lao Tzu

They say when one door closes, another opens; if one thing you do fails, you will soon have the opportunity to try to succeed at something else. I have to whole heartedly believe this and tell myself that this isn’t the end, this is merely the beginning. Maybe I didn’t get my 3 children, successful corporate city career, or white picket fence that I always thought I would. Maybe that dream just was never meant to be a reality, maybe I was meant for something more. Maybe this heartache was meant for me, as a cruel horrible lesson of some kind. Maybe I was made to live it, endure the pain, and become 10x stronger from it. I have never been a spiritual type, although my grandmother is the most religious person I know, I have doubts. On days like today though I find myself praying to something, praying that this nightmare finally comes to an end and that I will be able to breathe again. The pain of loosing my family will never go away, and I know that, I would never expect It to. But after today, one door will close, and i’ll be walking towards the next open one.

Rebuilding

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“Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along.” – Rae Smith

There becomes a point in life when you realize that it will never be the same ever again. For everyone it appears differently. I looked at a photo of myself today and I hated what I saw. I literally didn’t recognize her. I was tagged in a post and it actually took me a couple seconds to realize that the completely drained woman with noticeable bags under her eyes and wrinkles was actually myself. And that was the moment, the moment i realized that life just isn’t going to be the same again.

A friend has said to me numerous times that divorce is just like grieving for a loved one. It is grieving. It is realizing that the one person that has been a constant, a backbone, a best friend… never mind all of the family and friends that came with that individual… its all gone. I am not sure how someone is supposed to deal with that. With death, you know the person isn’t there to run to… that seeing them, doesn’t need to be a ‘right or wrong’ issue, because it’s just not an option. Constantly playing moments over in your mind, the heart ache, the loneliness. It’s a physical pain that you feel when you loose a love one, death or not. And just when you think that you’re going to be able to conquer this, a wave comes over you and it can seriously rock your world.

I keep reading that its normal to feel this way. To want so badly to repair yourself from years of being broken, to only feel worse. But it is part of the journey. The rollercoaster. Your life may never be the same again, that part is true. But you have to accept what it is, let go of what it was, and have faith in the future; what will be.

“And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life” – J.K. Rowling

Just Let it Go

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“Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.” – Carol Burnett

There is a time in everyone’s lives where there is nothing you can do but let go. Almost like an epiphany comes over you and you instantly decide to change your life for the better. Career change, relationship issues, family feuds, friendship queries, or simply the life and path you are currently traveling on is not what you want; nothing is worth your unhappiness. I know, easier said than done, but I promise you, the second you build up enough will-power, or the moment where the pain that continually eats you alive has become unbearable – releasing will be the best feeling of your life.

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition” – Steve Jobs

I never want to look back on life and regret anything. I firmly believe that all past experiences and situations were put in front of every person for a reason. Some reasons are more clear than others, sometimes faith in any type of higher being gets difficult to believe in, but at the end of the day, at the end of my life, I want to be able to say that nothing stopped me from living the life I was put on this Earth to live.

So the question is, how do we let go? How do we handle situations that are out of our control, but need our control in order to get through? I have personally learned the biggest lesson of my life this month. Sometimes it is okay to just let go. Sometimes its okay to just say “screw it” and let go of all the negativity in your life  – because this is your life, and you only get one to live.

Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain…. To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices – today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but to embrace it.” – Kevin Aucoin

The Cost of Happiness

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How many people can really say they are happy with their current career? Happy with their pay, happy with the hours they put in, happy with their co-workers and the environment they work in… just an overall pleased with where they are and wouldn’t want to change it. I have met people making $100,000 a year who are miserable, and people who make $20,000 who are perfectly content. So what defines the perfect job? The perfect “home away from home”; your second family? When do you know you are where you are meant to be, even if not happy now, sticking it out for a what your future could be? Where is that damn magic 8 ball when you need it?