“They say we can repress our memories. I wonder if we’re just keeping them safe somewhere because no matter how painful they are, they are our most valuable possessions. They made us who we are.”

I don’t remember my exact age. I am sure I could do the math if I tried. We were still living in our old house… life was still normal back then. My mother took my sister and I into the mini van and drove us down to the dam at the end of the road. I remember it was raining, cold, dark… and we had absolutely no idea why we went for a ride. If there was any day that marked the first day of our screwed up childhood existence, I’d have to say this would be the day.

Everything changed after that day. There was no more secrets in our family. I remember my father’s face as we walked back in the door. He knew what my mother told us, yet still to this day none of us really knew why. To this day I promise if I ever have children of my own there are things that will stay unknown until it is a need-to-know situation. Money, personal matters, marital matters… I guess thinking wasn’t exactly my mother’s forte. Children’s memories are like sponges; facial expressions, words, names, tears.. they are all remembered.

The swear words normal parents try not to say in front of their children we just knew as our parents nicknames for each other. We would laugh as we heard them go at it because we knew they were words that shouldn’t be said yet were so bad that it became funny. My sister and I have had many conversations about our relationships now. We so easily just say exactly what is on our minds, is it because of how we grew up? Is it okay to call your partner whatever word in the book just to get your point across? Raising your voice the second your irritated? When does it end? When do we decide to take the life that we have been taught and realize its not the way a relationship should be? When do we realize the pain of loosing someone we love just isn’t worth it? Most people only realize it when its too late.

-A