I have spent the vast majority of my life trying to forget my past. Past is a tricky thing. It is where a person comes from, often times what has molded them into what they are today, but to most a past is full of many regrets, many mistakes, many things that they wish they could go back in time and change.

As the infamous Grey has said “We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug, until we can’t anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves, what Benjamin Franklin meant: That knowing, is better than wondering. That waking, is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake, beats the hell out of never trying.”

So we all make mistakes, we all have a past. What does that mean exactly? Should we embrace the memories that haunt us in our dreams? I have found that being honest about my past has helped me in the most amazing way possible. It started by going to NA 4 years ago. I remember driving to the church I found on map-quest for the first time. It was dark and I was headed to a dirty disgusting city where I felt people “like me” belonged. I was disgusted by my actions and the decisions that I had made and I wanted more than anything in the world to change the path that I was traveling. I will never forget my first meeting, when I heard other people talk, heard about other people’s mistakes and realized… I was never alone. All the nights I spent trying to numb myself because I was the only one in the world that felt a particular way, was all for nothing.

Today, over 3 years being completely sober, I realize that it is okay to remember my past. Sometimes, even if it makes me cry, its good to remember where you come from. It really makes you appreciate where you are today and makes you proud of the person you have become.

-A